The Pop Culture Winners and Losers of Super Bowl LV

With a [checks notes] 43-year-old Tom Brady as soon as once more main his group to glory, this yr’s Tremendous Bowl felt a bit unstuck from time. It’s solely becoming, then, that one of many buzziest adverts from Sunday night time was a couple of seashore with mysterious growing old properties—any likelihood Brady is heading there for a put up–Tremendous Bowl trip? That was a chaotic tone-setter for a night when commercials walked an ungainly tightrope between acknowledging the continued pandemic and attempting to make individuals chuckle—whereas Disney simply reminded everybody that their Marvel domination is now a year-round factor. Under, we hand out some winners and losers from a wierd however memorable night time of adverts and trailers.

Winner: Peak M. Night time Shyamalan

Since M. Night time Shyamalan has been busy working on a TV series for Apple TV+ for the previous couple of years, the truth that he’s really received a film popping out this summer season appears like one of many filmmaker’s signature twists. And, for higher or worse, the subtly titled Previous comes throughout like peak Shyamalan nonsense. Within the trailer, a household spends its tropical trip on a secluded seashore the place the youngsters begin growing old as shortly as Wanda Maximoff’s twins on WandaVision. Given Shyamalan’s, uh, complete profession, Previous will both mark a shocking return to type or the inevitable twist concerning the growing old seashore would be the dumbest factor he’s conceived since The Occurring’s homicide crops. Both method, I can’t wait.

Loser: Flat Matthew McConaughey

In what appears like a religious nightmare cousin to last year’s Skinny Jason Momoa, Doritos marketed their 3D crunch chips by making Matthew McConaughey two-dimensional. It was not alright, alright, alright.

Contemplating what number of McConaughey ass pictures we needed to endure in Steven Knight’s batshit masterpiece Serenity, maybe this cursed Doritos business is worthy penance. By some means, this has me wistful for the times when the actor was rambling away in a Lincoln.

Winner: Everybody Attractive for Michael B. Jordan

Amazon’s large Tremendous Bowl spot was sexy fan-fiction come to life, with one girl imagining that her Alexa gadget was changed by a life-sized duplicate of the reigning Folks’s Sexiest Man Alive, Michael B. Jordan. (At the least, I assume it was a robotic duplicate and never Jordan’s precise physique being hijacked by Amazon and compelled to do the corporate’s bidding, however we are able to’t completely rule that out.) The complete idea was legitimately hilarious and, it will probably’t be burdened sufficient, ridiculously sexy. “Issues are getting method too moist round right here!” the lady’s jealous husband shouts after she turns the sprinklers on her new eye sweet. Given Amazon’s world-dominating ambitions, although, we’re in all probability not that far off from Robotic Michael B. Jordan turning into a actuality.

Winner: Everybody Attractive for Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan

The titular Falcon and Winter Soldier are probably the most dysfunctional Marvel couple this aspect of Wanda and Imaginative and prescient.

With the collection set to observe WandaVision on Disney+, the corporate is making certain that 2021 can be a yr of [sigh] countless Marvel content material after the Marvel Cinematic Universe took the final 12 months off. (After The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Loki is on the way in which, and there are nonetheless motion pictures like Black Widow on the docket.) For the foreseeable future, the MCU is as inevitable as Thanos.

Loser: The Paramount Mountain of Company Rebranding

If you happen to didn’t know any higher, you’ll assume that but one other streaming service was introduced in the course of the Tremendous Bowl, one referred to as Paramount+ that debuts in March and has Spongebob Squarepants, Snooki, Star Trek, and James Corden. However right here’s the factor: You may already entry all of those leisure choices on CBS All Entry, which is solely being rebranded into Paramount+ subsequent month. (Between Apple, Disney, Discovery, and now Paramount, streaming providers actually assume including a plus signal is catnip for subscribers.) It’s in all probability not an excellent signal that your streaming service wants a full rebrand—and 4 totally different spots all through the sport to advertise by having celebrities and cartoon characters scale a metaphorical mountain. For Paramount+ to compete with the Netflixes of the streaming world, they nonetheless have a—I’m sorry—mountain to climb.

Winner: Not Bowing to Any Sponsor

“It’s like individuals solely do issues as a result of they receives a commission, and that’s simply actually unhappy.”

Loser: Dolly Parton’s “5 to 9”

Dolly Parton is a nationwide treasure—however this Squarespace business was terrible. It’s one factor to replace the lyrics of one among your smash hits; it’s one other to make all of it concerning the attraction of a aspect hustle. “Gonna change your life, do one thing that offers it that means!” Parton sings for “5 to 9,” the bleakness of the message disguised by a faux-cheeriness that might really feel proper at house on an episode of Black Mirror. It’s type of arduous to consider tacking on an additional 4 hours to your work day once we’re nonetheless in the midst of a pandemic—most individuals are exhausted and possibly a bit extra involved about surviving the yr than selling a aspect enterprise on a customized web site. (Dolly’s nonetheless nice, although.)

Winner: Tim Burton for the Inevitable Timothée Chalamet Edward Scissorhands Sequel

We by no means had motive to contemplate what Timothée Chalamet would possibly seem like in an Edward Scissorhands sequel, however this Cadillac business makes a convincing case that the Victorian-era schoolboy-looking thespian could be a stable “Edgar Scissorhands,” moping his method by means of highschool. (Timmy received a Tremendous Bowl–sized examine to barely say something.) Simply think about: the plot of Heathers, besides as an alternative of Christian Slater we’ve a punk child with scissors for palms; Election, nevertheless it’s about Reese Witherspoon’s lookalike daughter operating for sophistication president in opposition to a child with scissors for palms; The Breakfast Membership, however one of many children serving detention has scissors for palms. In any case, we completely want a highschool movie the place Winona Ryder performs Chalamet’s mother.

Loser: Hologram Vince Lombardi

Everybody: Hologram Vince Lombardi isn’t actual, he can’t damage you.

Hologram Vince Lombardi:

Loser: Folks Who Like Oat Milk

The one factor worse than a cringey, low-budget Tremendous Bowl business is when an organization deliberately makes a nasty spot to allow them to promote merchandise about it. Oatly, probably the most acknowledged producers of oat milk, paid for 30 seconds of their CEO singing (horribly) in the midst of a subject—after which instantly began selling shirts that say “I Totally Hated That Oatly Commercial.” I don’t have a advertising and marketing diploma, however I don’t assume encouraging everybody to hate your adverts is an efficient strategy to get extra individuals to strive your product.

What’s even worse: I’ll nonetheless use oat milk in my espresso.

Winner: Deep Minimize Deep Blue Sea References

When giving a rousing speech to gamers like he’s within the third act of Prepared Participant One to advertise Verizon 5G, Samuel L. Jackson is swallowed by a prehistoric sea creature ridden by Juju Smith-Schuster (certain), as a result of the Tremendous Bowl wouldn’t be full with no throwback to a decades-old shark film with an all-time great jump scare:

At this charge, Tremendous Bowl LXXI will present Jason Statham combating a megalodon on state-of-the-art VR headsets whereas Robotic Michael B. Jordan offers us each day climate experiences.